It’s not Easter today, but in the spirit of pretending that the fake Easter is real, I figured it would be a good time to get a really silly idea out of my head.
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Saint Tate and the Soul of Catholicism
Recently while browsing Instagram, I was served a reel for accused sex trafficker and former kick boxer turned masculinity influencer Andrew “Cobra” Tate. I realized somewhere around the 30 second mark of the reel — a video where he and his brother are talking about which things are or aren’t gay — that Andrew “Cobra” Tate’s worldview was completely indistinguishable from the Catholic Church’s most revered theologian, Saint Augustine. In fact, one could easily argue that Tate is smarter than Saint Augustine because at least some of his stuff is memorably witty. Augustine’s writing is a snooze.
Check this one out, for example:
"Those shameful acts against nature, such as were committed in Sodom, ought everywhere and always to be detested and punished. If all nations were to do such things, they would be held guilty of the same crime by the law of God, which has not made men so that they should use one another in this way."
Augustine, Confessions
Talk about circular logic. Meanwhile, here’s a quote from a random Andrew “Cobra” Tate video:
Why would you go hiking? It seems gay.
Andrew “Cobra” Tate, Instagram
Tate’s observation makes as much sense as Augustine’s — it’s unclear what is gay about hiking, just as it is unclear whether men were “made” to do anything — and has the added advantage of being pithy. It’s not especially funny, but I can remember that much more easily than an old pervert yammering on about Sodom or something.
The two men also have similar thoughts on women and the respective role that women have in society. Here’s Saint Augustine again with an absolute wall of gibberish:
For on natural principles it is more feasible for one to have dominion over many, than for many to have dominion over one. Nor can it be doubted, that it is more consonant with the order of nature that men should bear rule over women, than women over men. It is with this principle in view that the apostle says, “The head of the woman is the man;” and, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands.”
Augustine, On Concupiscence
Not really worth getting into why this one is stupid, but the first sentence alone is a tell that we’re dealing with a guy without a firm grasp on reality. Here’s Cobra Tate, by contrast:
I’m harder on the woman I love. I expect more from her in terms of how she acts. I expect more from her in terms of how she speaks to me…The more I love her, the more I expect of her.
Andrew “Cobra” Tate, Instagram
This has the same general message of psycho control freak masculinity on display by the pervert Augustine, but again, somehow Tate makes it sound better. One could argue that Tate is a less ethical or moral person than Augustine because he is an accused sex trafficker, but the Catholic Church has a pretty rough history with that, so I wouldn’t bank on it.
The biggest difference between Andrew “Cobra” Tate and Augustine is probably reach. As the most revered theologian in the Catholic tradition, Augustine technically has a reach of about 1.4 billion. However! Most Catholics don’t read all of Augustine’s work — nor do they even seem to remember what the point of their faith even is — so one can presume that Augustine’s audience number is much lower in reality. Tate, meanwhile, had millions of followers prior to being banned and is still shared widely on Instagram and TikTok daily by fan accounts. Videos of the former kickboxer talking about which things are gay usually perform very well, based on likes and shares.
While it’s difficult to publish such a damning essay on such a holy day for the Catholics, the conclusion is rather straightforward. When you consider the fact that Augustine was likely malnourished and Tate is a trained kickboxer, it becomes even more cut and dried. Not only could Andrew “Cobra” Tate wipe the floor with Saint Augustine in hand to hand combat, but it also appears he’s a more effective Catholic theologian than Saint Augustine.
The Catholic tradition is predominantly made up of dorks nobody likes who sit around and complain about other people’s behavior. The Vatican oughta canonize Tate tomorrow.
This is funny and quietly enraged (Tate has loathsome behavior), but maybe too simplistic of a lens to perceive Augustine—who has much more spiritually dualistic shenanigans, bleak outlooks on the souls of animals, and emotional range going on than Tate (for people who can stomach reading and abrahamic faiths). Augustine's relationship with his son's mother and his commentary about splitting from her is a fertile place to dig!